fundamentals

if you had told me a couple months ago that i would be sitting in the blackwell study lounge at this time eating a jack in the box munchie meal after just waking up from a nap, i would fall into a deep deep depression. and i cant say i dont feel a fraction of that right now. as i was eating my munchie meal with leftover taco bell sauce and thought about how the day prior i ate a cup of shin ramen at 4:00 am, i realized how far ive fallen. and i also realized that the behavior i am indulging in right now is something that i have detested so much for my entire life. but then i had this weird perspective shift where i looked at the scenario from an outside, objective stance and realized why i was fucking up in my life right now. this behavior that i was doing was inevitable because of the fundamentals i was lacking and the situation i had placed myself in, not a profound issue of my morals or my identity. as i wrote previously, going to the hackathon was an amazing experience internally for me. it rejuvenated my sort of childlike idealism and inspired me to go out there in the world and start building again. it gave me hope that my dreams were not fried. and yet, a bit over 24 hours later and im falling back into that exact same hole i was in before. i felt so shitty eating this fucking food. its so against everything that i wanted to do coming here. when i came to berkeley, i set the expectation that i was going to have the cleanest most awesome room, live life fully and happily, explore when i want, go out when i want, go to sleep early and wake up early, work out, eat clean, and be a stellar student. im sort of realizing that these sort of things are so achievable. the ONLY thing stopping me is myself. in college i have no people i need to obey, and no one is taking up my time or managing it except for myself. my fundamentals are profoundly broken. i remember samuel being in a similar position last year and me being an external onlooker it seemed so easy. i just told him to exercise, eat clean, and sleep well. how foolish! as if i could take my own advice! which i should. because fundamentals are what i need. i can be amazing at physics and coding for instance, but if i cant even get my basic life needs right i am cooked. my sleep and eating habits are awful, which means i will myself as a result feel awful. i also procrastinate almost all of my work, even forgetting a bunch of assignments despite having all these fancy tools that remind me. since i also skip class, im not around other students that often, not engaged with the material i am forced to do anyway, and not on campus that much. it makes me disconnected from my spaces. this is to say that regardless of my knowledge, cleverness, or complex tools in my day to day, they will provide absolutely nothing if i cant even get the basics right. if i can't fold my clothes, do my dishes, eat clean, and maintain myself. i must get my fundamentals right. i really want to. right now life just feels so short, fleeting, and completely outside of my control. my life feels like absolute shit. i want to find this spark in me again. i just want to be happy. and this can be achieved if i just get my fundamentals right. there's no more of this bullshit from me. i can't be staying up horribly late, skipping all my lectures, eating awfully, and avoiding all the other small responsibilities of my life. because they have compounded so much and i just feel absolutely awful because of it. courseflow is NOT saving me from this. my goals are so out there and i have all these ambitions for myself, but i will never ever be able to achieve them if i keep living life the way i am right now. wow what a canonical event for a little freshie like me once more. i must start by living life more fully, even if that is in the most micro, simple manner possible. the other things can take a pause until i figure out these little fundamentals for myself.