life

yk that thing where if you stare at a word for long enough it stops looking and sounding like a real word? sorry, random thought. i was staring at the page for so long bc i was genuinely just thinking about my life. what do i want my life to look like right now? this is a question i keep coming back to over and over (and probably a sentiment that has been quite clearly expressed in previous entries). i was sitting in bed two nights ago and i was suddenly overcome with sadness. i don't really know what i was sad about, but i had the sudden urge to listen to christmas music. so i put on "have yourself a merry little christmas" sang by frank sinatra and it reminded me of how much i love christmas music, and also how i had forgotten for so long how much i love it. i started thinking about the huge christmas party my family throws every year, about the big frosted christmas tree my family always gets from this one parking lot next to LA Fitness, about how I once baked a cake with my friends that was totally awful but was still absolutely amazing, about how i would walk around the lake looking at the lights on the houses and remembering my favorite one with the reindeer and santa's sleigh on its roof, about how i sat on a bench looking at the water with the reflections of the lights talking with my friend for hours into the night post chipotle, about how i would sleep next to the fireplace with a mug of hot cocoa + four marshmallows on the table dreaming that i was in a christmas movie, about how i would help my dad wrap the palm trees in our front yard with lights (but couldn't reach all the way to the top because the ladder wasn't tall enough and it was quite dangerous), about how once i dragged my friends to see my favorite "candy cane lane" only for them to be way too tired, about how i would dress up so silly and play christmas music with my orchestra and chamber group, about the countless number of times i listened to michael buble's "it's beginning to look a lot like christmas", about how when my family decorated our tree id always have to use a stool to reach the top but was scared beacuse of how unstable the stool we used was, about how my favorite ornament on our tree was this penguin on an ice cube but then became the mouse conductor who could play music at the request of your voice (how tf did they do that), about how i caught the most beautiful sunset ever in my backyard on christmas day, about the delicious garlic noodles and crab soup my mom would cook every year, about how Santa would be a chubby vietnamese-accent wielding man (it was just my uncle), about how excited i would be the morning of christmas day rushing downstairs with my sister to open our presents (it was always just clothes), and about just how much i miss the magic of christmas. as i write this now i can't help but cry a bit. i can't stop thinking that life is moving way too fast right now. with everything i'm doing, i just don't even know if i like it. all this research startup internship club striver bullshit. i don't like it. i hate forcing myself to do things that i know i don't want to do. this is what i want in my life: i want to wake up naturally as the sun rises, and stretch my arms out wide as the morning breeze from my slightly ajar window kisses me awake. i'll brew some coffee so that the smell just completely fills the room. it'll be from a niche colombian brand, not a mainstream one. i'll tell people about it at any chance i get, how hard i had to look to find this perfect blend. maybe i'll have a record player playing some very slow and smooth jazz piano in the background too. the ambiance will be perfect. i'll read. i'll become grossly intimate with all my favorite literary classics. i'll own the original paperback copies of all the books that i read. i'll be able to talk to anyone for hours about it. i want to peer inside the mind of these writers, and learn how they produce such tremendous work. i'll play piano. lots of it. i'll learn everything from liszt to chopin to debussy. i'll pour my heart out into my music. as i play, i can imagine the colors and the story behind everything, i can live right in the moment, transcending time and space to experience it all. i'll become so very lost in a different world. i'll forget about everything that's real. i love piano. it's about the most intimate thing i can do with and for myself. when i'm stressed, i want to be able to just walk downtown where the old brick bostonian buildings are, and stroll through the streets with a nice warm scarf. it'll be autumn during this time, so the fall foliage will be absolutely beautiful. i'll go to a park and sit on a bench. it'll be pretty quiet minus the subtle city sounds. i'll sit here for a while, watching kids play with their families, dogs running around, birds in the trees above me (hopefully they don't shit), curious squirrels approaching me, and i'll breathe in a nice crisp and cold air. i'll write. or i'll blog. i like typing because i can get all my thoughts out without any wrist pain or friction. it's just straight dumping. so i guess one part of my current routine remains. i'll take photos. with my nikon d610, i'll capture everything i see. from flowers to trees to sun to picturesque streets to warm cafes to small alleyways to really good food and to people. if i take some good ones, i'll frame them, and i'll also send them as postcards to my friends and family too. i'll add notes about what i've been up to, a little backstory to the picture (because every picture will be special), and ask how they've been. the world has so much to see and capture. i'll sleep. i'll sleep so deeply. and i'll dream of good things. i'll dream of the people in my life. i'll dream that i can fly, and i'll do it. my dreams will be composed by the pure ecstasy of life. and when i wake up again, i will feel so utterly refreshed. in my ideal life, everything would be slower. i could enjoy every waking second. and i should because every moment of my being is a miracle. but i just can't do it now, and i don't feel like it at all. why must we have to live our lives like this? i wish i could figure it out. there's so much i miss, so much i desire. what i'm doing right now, i can't help but be confused by. it's contrarian to everything that i want in my life. i want to live again. because right now i am not living.